Caye Caulker my happy home.
I was tricked into coming to Belize from Honduras this past weekend but I don't mind as it was the annual Lobster Festival and it looked busy. I'm always excited about the Festival but when it arrives, I do as I do every year, hide from the crowd, venture out maybe once or so. I don't like having to tell everyone I only see this time of year my entire life story. This is why I created the blog.
Once upon a time Caye Caulker use to be a one golf-cart town and I liked it better then, at least with regards to the traffic. What joy is there for me driving or walking up & down the streets passing all those teenagers in skimpy swimwear who have knocked me from my pedestal, all those gorgeous young men I will never get a chance to sample?
I'm in perpetual jubilant angst, that's why my mouth spews incessant profanities and cosmic perversions as I approach that dreaded 4-0! To hell with growing old gracefully, I'm still short on funds for my plastic overhaul and I'm looking for sponsors. First up the boob job and I can offer complete ownership bragging rights to a dear sponsor (or a letter every month telling you the progress of the booby babies / booby birds). I'm kidding! O.K., I'm not really...., just in case Bill Gates reads this and wants to donate some funds to the "Mental Health Restoration & Body Refurbishing for Ageing Caribbean Wenches." my new Non-Profit organization.
I had seen people with this affliction but I never thought I would suffer from it - diarrhea of the mouth. I try to stay home more as I'm not as nice as I use to be and I fear a relapse when I'm out in public or have to deal with all the bums. I don't care, you turn into a hard-ass when you live in the Caribbean too long especially as a single female, and I'm trying to find my inner femininity again.Every time I come here, new places have popped up and I come every few months. It's expected, progress is inevitable. You can sit around and bitch about it, and/or you can be progressive and work with it. I do both.
The island was packed with Belizeans and tourists alike. The kids on golf-carts driving madly turned me off. I thought I would be roadkill at any moment. For years after leaving the USA, I had disconnected from as many electronic, gas or battery operated devices. The whole village is concentrated in about a mile or less and we so don't want to walk. I suppose if you walk it once it's o.k., but now with business bustling, we are constantly running around the island and a cart is a dream since we are expected to provide fast service.
I managed to paint a new sign and fix up the newly christened "JAH PALAPA" my waterfront hammock deck near the dock. It's become a free hotel for vagrants and vagabonds from the shitty for the weekend despite my sign saying "No Lampers". I haven't found the solution for ridding oneself of lampers (bums) yet. I wish my man had come with me to do these dirty jobs as every time I have to confront someone, I feel like a chick with a dick. I really want to act like a lady..really! Why am I pushed into these situations of having to be bitchy constantly on my lovely island? Why are people so dis-respectful?
Is it me? Do I attract crazy men, or do I just make men crazy?
While I was out the street was full of young party goers and assorted tourists so I slipped into the Oceanside Bar. I was amazed at the contrast inside. The bar was full of middle-age tourists instead of the usual backpacker/local crowd mix running wild outside. Even the music had changed to suit the baby boomers (try Country music) or to keep out the local crowd. I felt out of place. Lots of couples with grey hair who didn't mingle much other than with the ones they were traveling with. Kind of little exclusive packs. This makes for a boring bar. Now I felt like there was no place for me to go but home. The hostel crowd is always partying and they're a good mix of cultures and levels of intelligence. The best party after all is still at Tina's
While I sit in my garden hammock on Caye Caulker, I cannot help but overhear the conversations buzzing around me or not observe the quirkiness of some of my guests who are high on life or anything else.
  • I would accept small church groups who come to save us with 3 day revivals at the park next door, in the slow, slow season. Response to drug pushers who are offering them to "get high" - they just "get high on Jesus. This is one of the few times I see loud mouth, answer for everything type of guys, get stupefied.
  • Simon's from Japan and just got back from Cambodia where he was doing some kind of humanitarian work & he's traveling on his break and talking, talking, talking world politics with Ben from Australia.

  • Anja has been traveling for two years and has traveled all the continents and out of the way backpacker trails and is very pretty and horny and super friendly with the guys who love her and giggle at her silly jokes.

  • The three brits who are always popping pills and stoned or drunk out of their minds are the med-students from London who are here on break while they choose where they will do their internship. I am so sorry for the patients, these guys are always high and came with their own pharmacy.

  • The 50 something playwright who is here from Los Angeles came to stay at Tina's Backpackers after I answered his ad sent to all hotels in Belize on the Toucan Trail booking system. He was looking for a budget place for a month to sit and write his play. I wrote back and said "if you're looking for drama, you want to go to Tina's on Caye Caulker" He was such a prima-donna, I ended up booting him out after a week. Yes, I do have the right to refuse you as a guest. And at my rate, it's easy to give the money back. Needless to say he became the drama at Tina's that week and all the guests started telling him off for being a stick in the mud and I don't think he will write about it.

  • Then there is Cory, the young charismatic good looking pilot for American Airlines. Belize is not part of his route but he discovered it on those free flying perks. He comes back every two months or so and says he LOVES my place because he always gets laid on the dock under the stars when he comes. He says he's got a 2'x4' picture of Tina's Hostel over his bed and tells people it's his second home
  • IMAGINE 4000 or so people come through Tina's Hostel every year. You get a lot of colorful and interesting people here and contrary to what people believe, they are not cheap. Most of them have tens of thousands of dollars in the bank and quite a few have bought property on Caye Caulker on an impulse.

I did hear some funny stuff this morning while I was sitting at the Sandbox with my friend Biggie and his older friends visiting from Arizona. Decorating the gringos were an assorted group of young nubile looking girls who were hanging like a loose tops on wire hangers, as they draped over the men's shoulder's. After noticing that the girls chasing the gringos seem quite young, one of Biggie's friend finally asked:

Arizona tourist #1: What's the legal age for sexual consent here, she looks rather young?.
Biggie: "60 pounds".

Me: "I didn't know that, seems kind of cruel, but I do know what the legal drinking age is"

Arizona tourist #2: "How old?"
Me: "$5.00" (the price of a rum/coke or beer
- no i.d. necessary)
Not to be left out, one of the gringos with the human shawl said
"I heard that what happens on Caye Caulker.................."
the girls chimed in quickly as if smart knowing the answer "stay on Caye Caulker".
He said, "No.....comes out 9 months later..."

I'm telling G-Rod these jokes and he's not paying me much attention so I ask if he doesn't think I'm funny.
G-Rod (slumped in the chair) : "you expect my attention? I'm still hung over from the last two years."

I read in the Moon Books about Belize that if you are called a gringo in Belize, that it is not an insult and refers to any Non-Belizean. The only time you should take it as an insult is if you hear "pinche or damn" before it, or "loco" after it.
Moon Books THANKS for giving TINA'S HOSTEL, CAYE CAULKER such a good write-up and your thumbs up. I was especially pleased to see that you added a photo from my place in this edition and had the name enlarged on the island map. Cheers.
TINA's HOSTEL ROATAN - NEW!Me building furniture while G-Rod proudly shows the oil that kept our body machines working well into the late, late night.For those who don't know yet, I have opened a second Tina's Hostel in Roatan, Honduras. Over a period of several weeks, G-Rod & I drank a case of the first ever Merlot made in Roatan by the crazy German, even the last bottle we were going to save for it's historical value. G-Rod and I finally finished home-made bunks and living room chairs for the hostel & we were able to open a few months ago. We have had a steady stream of customers, a lot coming from the Caye Caulker "branch" (weird to say it like that). We spent many late nights trashed using a skill saw and other dangerous tools. It's amazing we still have all our fingers. Check out that artsy funky chair to the right.