I had my first internet blogspat (not blogspot) today with a newbie ex-pat to Caye Caulker who also writes a blog which I read from time to time, mainly for the slander I hear she writes about her new husband's relatives of which I am now kin.
Some family members she loves to write about and re-invents them on her blog with one sided opinions to add some spice to her otherwise boring day. She sits around under uncles house in the front street center shop space she maneureved through marriage & can be seen from the streets eating left over cookies which cannot be good for obesity, hoping for the next customer who will drop by & purchase expensive coffee. She's a talented artist, I have to give credit where credit is due, but she's also a shit stirrer and again, I have to give credit where credit is due.

Cousin Rage, & Belikin Betsy by all other indications point to certain of her new relatives that she seems to like to write about . Some members have been fortunate to not yet be mentioned in her blog, and I am not one of them. I am well aware that I will not escape her hidden wrath for she has already fired the missile in my direction. Fair game, I had it coming and I can give as good as I get.

Uncle bought a motorcycle so she can carry her obesity around the island after she posted on her blog that her privates chewed up the bicycle seats she rode.

Later that day, Aunty BigLittle mentioned that "if you wear sunglasses & a smile, nobody knows what you're really thinking". To me, she revealed the face behind the mask herself, the face that we already know. Since it's all out in the open, the contempt she has for her husbands children & relatives, she need not bother with fakeness. That's the one game I don't want to play.

I had responded kindly to her lame attempt at last minute plesantries, when she told me "good morning" for the first time in years today after the blog war had already begun and after I insinuated that she has been frigid to the relatives. Nevertheless, this greeting caught me unawares & I thought that we were off to a good second start at "getting to know you". Turned out to be a false start again. I should have just said CRAP OFF. It would have been a more appropriate response to a person who really didn't wish you had a good morning in the first place. This insight only became obvious later in the day when she took off her mask.

"Janey come lately" is known, not fondly, as Aunty BigLittle or Heifer Hump, by the younger generation who have made attempts at being friendly and couldn't crack the ice. I know it's mean, but so are the names she has given them on her blog. Tit for Tat.

I think uncle was drunk at the bar under his house on his beautiful beachfront property he inherited from granny when he met Aunty BigLittle who was sniffing around for an opportunity.

Uncle has had several wives and they come and they go, but years leading up to this marriage, he had usually beautiful petite young women with equally beautiful names like Rosa meaning, Rose in English (or still has young girls if I got to know uncle over the last 40 years. In this instance, I am just speculating that creatures don't change their habits in old age & I could be wrong). You can imagine that this whirlwind courtship and marriage took all by surprise when the announcement appeared in the local paper shortly after they were first spotted together tangled at the bar under uncles house where he had been drinking.

This whale of an American woman who ironically carries a name which means little in the creole we speak (so fittingly the name Aunty BigLittle), and who was on the verge of a nervous breakdown back in First World by her own admission on her blog, somehow came to find her salvation but apparently not her sanity, on this tiny little family-knitted, third world island of Caye Caulker (pop. 1500).

Aunty BigLittle's grown children and her grandchildren promptly showed up from America after she got married & moved into uncle's family beachfront home. Her track-a-lada of foreign relatives subsequently stayed for years in uncle's house when his own children who visited rarely, were not very welcomed by their fathers new wife.

Aunty BigLittle, one of the latest rotted driftwood to land on our shores from foreign and become "the expert" on all matters related to the island, has become the posterchild to the locals "reason for giving all foreigners a bad name" mainly because of their interferring big mouth. AuntyBL can be found dispensing advice all over the internet sites pertaining to questions on Caye Caulker. She is very friendly to paying customers and readers who are mesmerized by her talent & wit, but if you are her neighbor you get to see "the other side".

After my cousin (and her new nephew-in-law) asked her to refrain from writing about him negatively on her blog, she continued to mock him, stir up the shit pot. Nephew & uncle were having a minor property dispute which had already blown over until AuntyBigLittle decided "it isn't over until the fat lady sings". Instead Aunty BigLittle threw herself to the forefront of the war of words & delved herself into the middle of their battle firing missles at cousin on her blog every chance she got. I don't think she ever forgave cousin for hiring uncle's mistress at his restaurant next door, it was just too close for her comfort, and in my opinion, this fueled the continuous rage.

Aunty BigLittle, a know-it-all , does not yet know the code of ethics to living on a small island. For an expert, she forgot the cardinal rule, ESPECIALLY if you are from foreign
- Do not meddle in family politics and pick fights with relatives you don't know.

So this entire hoolabala started because I read her blog this morning. I initially got pissed with her lack of respect for my/her family member (promote peace not war unless you're really looking for a war) especially when I read cousin had asked her to back off. Before I could find the humor in it all, I posted a comment to her blog taking up for cousin whom she seems to have an obsession with and then I did the unthinkable, I called her out on a lie on her blog where she said she had polled the family and everyone except for one abroad liked her. I couldn't even comprehend how she could have wrongly imagined something that was so obvious.

Everyone is too idle on Caye Caulker you say, to have time to be on the internet sparring. I am guilty & by now, it was too late, I had already entered the arena of mud-slinging. I made a comment, then she posted a comment and others posted comments, and comment after comment, until I swore to myself I wasn't going to comment any further. By this time, I was sure we had all had a belly full of acid reflux type of laughs all day as a result. Then, just when I thought it was about to die down, the heifer did it again & wrote the final barbs to insult us once more, this time I was not spared. By now, you couldn't respond on her blog, she made it clear she was "moderating" . The boil in my belly had already started to fester and I knew it wouldn't be long before I had diarreah of the mouth. I have suffered from this ailment on & off when stress levels increase through provocation, the main trigger.

So all this high action, comedy & family drama on Caye Caulker today gave me good juice to post an entry in my blog.

Remember my OVERHEARD on Caye Caulker section "not much happens on Caye Caulker but what you hear makes up for it") Well this has been one of those days & prompted me to write the following guide.
Just when you thought I had said enough!

(apply with a grain of salt)
Repeat after me: NEVER EVER..............
  • Never ever think people from Caye Caulker don't like you simply because you're an ex-patriot, thats a myth spread by the disliked ones, we actually like a lot of ex-patriots who don't stir trouble and get along just nicely with the locals, people won't like you if you're a shit stirrer, a bitch or a know-it-all.
  • Never ever try to be an EXPERT on a country, it's people & culture when you have barely just arrived.
  • Never ever start a war with your local husband's children, nieces or nephews on the tiny island where practically everyone is related to each other and you would be severely short of soldiers, if you do not have a lot of ammunition or not a strong swimmer, have a fast boat, a helicopter or other means of escape.
  • Never ever criticize your new local husband's family while you & your homeless daughter and her children are squatting in an ancestral home originally built by the hard work of the grandparents of the same people you are harrassing. It won't earn you brownie points with your new extended family.
  • Never ever criticize other people's children on a small island when your own child was on the island for all and sundry to see, & left many skeletons buried under every coconut tree on the beach. Ask any of the street boys.
  • Never ever shamelessly admit on your blog that your ass is so fat that it chewed up bicycle seats, there are starving kids in this country.
  • Never ever talk about Queens land when your new husbands property might just be sitting there. Game of shoot yourself in the ass anyone?
  • Never ever admit that you have not yet regained all of your sanity from your verge of nervous break-down prior.
  • Never ever turn down gifts of flak-jacket, armor, lawyers, guns, money and ammunition when you are far away from home, in pirate heritage sites, have an acid tongue or have no other relatives near other than the ones you with at war.
  • Never ever admit on your blog that you dance tango in the nude if you are obese, that's just too cruel an image to subject to other people.
  • Never ever talk about other people's drink habits if your new husband is a legend in this field.


Cousin from Caye Caulker said…
Titch, I loved this post girl and after the slandering going on about our cousin Tage, I felt like something needed to be done but this is more than justice though. At least I know that we have strong family ties and that people out there cannot mess with the Alamina family...mek them know one time...Great post though, I have to call you my hero honestly!! I absolutely enjoyed it!!
Anonymous said…
Never ever post something so funny without a warning to those of us who may be drinking hot tea and may risk spitting it all over the computer screen when bursting out laughing.

SO glad I found your BLOG today!!!!!
Anonymous said…
Great article, thank you very much!