TIPS FOR A SAFE & JAIL FREE EASTER WEEKEND ON CAYE CAULKER

• If you plan to be carefree & careless on a long weekend when a court date will not be prompt due to the holidays, you could spend the next 4 days in a pissy cell if you do not bring some blue notes with the picture of the young Queen for buying a "get free" pass.
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• If you intend to get drunk & obnoxious, wear a helmet or other body armor and prepare to get whooped either by the person you are annoying or the police!
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• PART I. If you plan on smoking joints, make sure you are at the tip of the dock, that way you can hope the breeze is blowing out to sea. If a wift gets blown to the wrong nose on the beach, you can easily see the patrol coming up the dock giving you adequate time to take one last big puff before throwing the evidence into the sea. They don't like to get wet for a roach.
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• PART II. If the cops tell you that they know you were smoking grass because they smelt it, be brazen like my friend J and tell them: "ITS IN THE BRAIN MAN". The cops are disoriented by honesty, besides, they can't take the evidence out of your brain
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• If you like to drink free tequila shots from the owner & bartender down at the split, be prepared to end up as entertainment for the rest of the patrons. Topless & Skinny Dipping are two of the side effects.
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• If you intend to get drunk at the Split bar & swim in the channel after, do not stray away from the seawall which is what you are to hang on to

1. avoid drowning;
2. being swept away by strong currents;
3. getting run over by morons on a jet ski, fast speedboat or other propeller based traffic.

• If you brought your unlicensed firearm on the island, do not shoot it out at sea in exhilaration, do not shoot it at people in anger, and do not shoot the animals for sport, there are criminal charges related to each of the above.
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• If you and your accomplices intend to rob the Chinese grocery store aisles, do not wear tight fitting garments where the shape of a can of Spam can be seen in your underwear. Bonus, beware of ceiling cameras.
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• If you and your buddies decide to be drunk underage and drive golf carts wildly around, refer to the very first tip.
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• If you and your extended family & kids decend upon your hapless relative renting a small room, hide all the knives & matches in the house.
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• If you and your extended family & kids decide to go swimming, stay in the shallows & keep an eye on the kids, nothing spoils Easter Sunday dinner worse than the news of a drowned child.